Most days lately, I pretty much feel like I'm just dragging myself through. Dragging myself out of bed, dragging my clothes on, dragging myself into the kitchen, dragging myself to work and through the workday... you know. Last week I lucked out and had a snow day, which is a very good thing because I would have had to stay home from work anyway for the headache I had. I ended up needing to stay home the next day as well...
me: i'm having a really hard time baby. I really can't decide if I should try to go in at all. it's just so miserable to be there - it hurts to look at anything...
Jonathan: Damn...sorry baby.
12:12 PM me: plus my hips are really bothering me which makes me kind of scared to go deal with the snow and ice and stuff.
Jonathan: It hurts to look at anything right now, or when you're there?
me: a little bit now, but always there so I know it would be bad.
12:15 PM i'm just so sick of this. I feel like it's one day out of four or five when I'm not just absolutely forcing myself out of the house, trying to tell myself it'll be ok when in reality i feel like total shit.
12:31 PM Jonathan: Yeah...
12:49 PM me: it's decided, i'm staying home. i just don't think it's good for me mentally or physically to push myself to go in when i feel so shitty.
Jonathan: Yeah, probably for the best.
12:50 PM me: i'll drag myself through tomorrow, fueled on the knowledge that i won't have to do it again for three more days.
The Wednesday before this I'd had to stay home as well. That's two days of work already used up in a very young year, and with the wedding eating up half of my vacation/sick days I don't have many to spare. Monday was a holiday, and again it's a good thing because I don't know that I could have made it in. All I really wanted to accomplish was to make a king cake, and I couldn't even get that done - no way could I move around like that with my face hurting so much, and then my stomach decided to get into the act too, and how. It's been so hard to get to work and then stay there that I've been looking into short-term disability. I pretty much hate the idea that things have gone that far, even with my new, significantly easier position, but disliking reality does not change it.
As of yesterday though I'm actually doing alright - thus the extra blogging. And as long as I'm still having alright days... you know? I have of course overextended myself with obligations, so that just keeping up with what I've volunteered to do drains whatever I have left after work. I'm bad about that. (Thus the stealing time from work... ahem.) We're also only about four weeks out from the wedding now, so things are becoming much more pressing in that department. I'm actually spending this weekend in New Orleans - it will be a bit of a trial, I think, as traveling is always somewhat difficult and I have many things to take care of while I'm there. But it provides a nice break from what's here, and from the ultra-cold, and I'll also be seeing my neurologist while I'm there. Perhaps he can crack the code of these headaches.
On the medication front... I just don't know. It doesn't seem wise to start something new a few weeks before an event as large as a wedding, when I'll be traveling and stressed and in the spotlight. Because even if something new might help, it's pretty much always a rough transition. Even if I feel crappy now, it's a somewhat predictable crappy. And what my body does to itself is in a whole different category than what can happen when adjusting to new medication - or, god forbid, when it takes badly to a drug. So maybe in April, but not now...