Thursday, February 25, 2010

The Sickling.

It makes me angry and sad and frustrated that I had to come into the office today. Getting here was excruciating, a trial for the body and the soul. Now, just sitting here my pain is at a 4 or a 5, and god forbid I try to do anything crazy like walk - it just spikes right up to a 7 or 8. The weather, I think, is at least partly to blame: it's very cold and very damp, with a precipitation combination of rain and fat wet snowdrops. Enough snow has accumulated on the ground that it's like walking on a slushie just spilled, making my already unsure steps that much more wobbly. It hurt like hell to do so, what with the very inflamed tendon in my left foot, but how was I to go out in this without putting on boots?

The answer that comes raging to the forefront of my mind is, of course, "Well, your back is killing you, and your sciatica has been getting progressively worse for several days in a row, and it's inflaming your foot so much that it's somewhat difficult for you to walk... why would you even consider going out in this?!" It seems simple enough. If I'm not in good enough shape to go to work, I shouldn't. If only it worked that way.

See, the real trouble is that I have the audacity to think that I get to be like other people and go off and have a wedding. I really do have some nerve don't I? The wedding is eating up 10 of my days for the year, plus three more for the weekend I just took to make preparations (and see my neurologist). That's 13 down. I've already missed two days this year because I had headaches so bad that getting on the subway was absolutely out of the question - that's 15. So even with the fairly generous number of vacation/sick days afforded me by this employer, I only have 7 days left to last me the next 10 months. Not even one day per. This is bad math.

What I really and truly wish is that they would let me take unpaid days, but for some reason that is out of the question. I would understand it being a problem if I just wanted to take one vacation after another, but I have some fairly exceptional circumstances here.

Or do I? After all, who am I to deserve time off in the days leading up to my wedding? Who am I to think I can just blow a week on the frivolity of a honeymoon? I know full well that I'm sickly. I should be more practical. I should be keeping those days so that I can call out when I'm ill. After all, it's not as if I'm human. I'm just the sick thing they stuck in the basement when I became too much trouble upstairs.

And I wonder: how much longer can I live like this?

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

The Food Plan.

So, the wedding is in 24 days. That is not a lot of days, and I pretty much feel like crap.

Now, I am not under the impression that I can cure myself and feel fantastic for this event. But I do think that I owe it to myself and to Jonathan to do everything in my power to feel as good as I can. I think it is far past time to buckle down and do what I need to do with my diet, at least up until the wedding. It's quite simple really, and it is I'm sure what I really should be doing all the time. But like all of us I live in this modern world with my bad habits only being encouraged by an overly taxed schedule. Perhaps I'll be able to develop new good habits though, or eat more along these lines, once I've been doing it for a couple of weeks.

So what does this plan entail? I want to really focus on whole foods - like as in only eat whole foods. Foods that I can see the structure of: beans, rice, whole grains (not whole grain products like bread, mind you, but actual whole grains such as quinoa and oats), fruits, vegetables. My hummus I think is still good, because even though it ends up as a paste-like substance, I myself see it in whole bean form first.

I'll also be cutting out sugar, and really making an effort to drink more water. I've been doing fairly well on the water front, but I want to step it up. On the sugar front I've been terrible, and it needs to stop.

So that's pretty much it. Breakfast will be muesli soaked overnight in almond milk (one of my few concessions); lunch and dinner will be some combination of beans, grains, and raw and cooked vegetables; and snacks will be vegetables and fruit. There will be plenty of water, and of course my herbal teas with just a smidge of agave, because it is warm and comforting and sweet and filling and is somehow the one thing that can calm my sugar jonesing.

I re-invoke my old plea: keep your fingers crossed for me.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

What a drag.

As usual, another update that's long overdue. I have been busy, and to an extent I have been sick. Headaches are kicking my ass, along with fairly crushing fatigue. I of course know that these two likely have something to do with one another.

Most days lately, I pretty much feel like I'm just dragging myself through. Dragging myself out of bed, dragging my clothes on, dragging myself into the kitchen, dragging myself to work and through the workday... you know. Last week I lucked out and had a snow day, which is a very good thing because I would have had to stay home from work anyway for the headache I had. I ended up needing to stay home the next day as well...

me: i'm having a really hard time baby. I really can't decide if I should try to go in at all. it's just so miserable to be there - it hurts to look at anything...
Jonathan: Damn...sorry baby.
12:12 PM me: plus my hips are really bothering me which makes me kind of scared to go deal with the snow and ice and stuff.
Jonathan: It hurts to look at anything right now, or when you're there?
me: a little bit now, but always there so I know it would be bad.
12:15 PM i'm just so sick of this. I feel like it's one day out of four or five when I'm not just absolutely forcing myself out of the house, trying to tell myself it'll be ok when in reality i feel like total shit.

16 minutes
12:31 PM Jonathan: Yeah...

17 minutes
12:49 PM me: it's decided, i'm staying home. i just don't think it's good for me mentally or physically to push myself to go in when i feel so shitty.
Jonathan: Yeah, probably for the best.
12:50 PM me: i'll drag myself through tomorrow, fueled on the knowledge that i won't have to do it again for three more days.

The Wednesday before this I'd had to stay home as well. That's two days of work already used up in a very young year, and with the wedding eating up half of my vacation/sick days I don't have many to spare. Monday was a holiday, and again it's a good thing because I don't know that I could have made it in. All I really wanted to accomplish was to make a king cake, and I couldn't even get that done - no way could I move around like that with my face hurting so much, and then my stomach decided to get into the act too, and how. It's been so hard to get to work and then stay there that I've been looking into short-term disability. I pretty much hate the idea that things have gone that far, even with my new, significantly easier position, but disliking reality does not change it.

As of yesterday though I'm actually doing alright - thus the extra blogging. And as long as I'm still having alright days... you know? I have of course overextended myself with obligations, so that just keeping up with what I've volunteered to do drains whatever I have left after work. I'm bad about that. (Thus the stealing time from work... ahem.) We're also only about four weeks out from the wedding now, so things are becoming much more pressing in that department. I'm actually spending this weekend in New Orleans - it will be a bit of a trial, I think, as traveling is always somewhat difficult and I have many things to take care of while I'm there. But it provides a nice break from what's here, and from the ultra-cold, and I'll also be seeing my neurologist while I'm there. Perhaps he can crack the code of these headaches.

On the medication front... I just don't know. It doesn't seem wise to start something new a few weeks before an event as large as a wedding, when I'll be traveling and stressed and in the spotlight. Because even if something new might help, it's pretty much always a rough transition. Even if I feel crappy now, it's a somewhat predictable crappy. And what my body does to itself is in a whole different category than what can happen when adjusting to new medication - or, god forbid, when it takes badly to a drug. So maybe in April, but not now...