Monday, December 21, 2009

A health update.

The truth is that much of the time I don't want to think about the status of my health, especially when it 's not too hot. Right now I'm totally sick of thinking about it - I feel like a broken record. Like I keep having to explain to everyone in my life that I just can't do what I normally would because of "my health." It's driving me crazy. But it doesn't seem to want to go away, so here we are.

I even had to bring it up in my review at work. I need them to understand that part of why the unreasonable workload there stresses me out is that it makes me physically ill. Like, for real. And they need to really and truly get it through their skulls that the days of 55-hour-per-week Mel are dead and gone. They can have 35 hour Mel, and occasionally even 45 hour Mel, but that's about where it's got to stop.

Today I am exhausted, swollen, in pain. I shouldn't be at work but I've used up all of my vacation/sick days for the year, so I just have to tough it out. It's not horrible; it's just not good. As it is I got in an hour and a half late, and I don't think I'm going to have a very productive day. I don't really get it - I got home on Friday and literally didn't leave the house again until this morning. Maybe that's why this is happening? I didn't move enough? But what with the giant snowstorm and severe cold, it didn't seem like a good idea to go out. It's a bit damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-don't. I'm sore as hell... from what? Knitting? Wrapping presents?

The hives-from-showering thing seems to be getting worse. I'm getting them in weird places now: my face, my knees, the palms of my hands. I'm even doing mental relaxation exercises before I get in, to no avail. I've given up shaving altogether; it's winter anyway, and it just aggravates the situation. For a while I thought the hair loss had stopped, but it seems to be back in full force.

I really, really need to go back to the doctor. It's getting ridiculous. But I think I'm avoiding it. I don't believe he'll have anything useful to tell me. What possible answers are there? That I should stay on the Savella longer to see what happens. That I should come off the Savella and deal with the withdrawal. That I should try yet another medication with god-only-knows what side effects. That something more serious is wrong... I can't imagine any outcome that would make anything better.

So I'm avoiding it. But that's not going to help either. Because if something more serious is wrong, I need to know. And if I need to be off this medication, it should happen sooner rather than later.

Once again, I feel as if life is asking for more than I have to give. With "the holidays" and all, there's a whole new batch of things to take care of. Being me, of course I have to send presents, and of course they have to be wrapped pretty. And I want to decorate, and bake, and bla bla bla. And then there's so much writing I want to be doing. The more frequent migraines and almost constant exhaustion / brain fog are making that nearly impossible, though.

I want to believe this is temporary. I want to believe that no drastic action must be taken. How long can I go on believing it? It's like a battle of wills between my mind and my body, and I honestly don't know who's going to win.

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