Friday, October 23, 2009

Allergic to water?

I'm guessing probably not. So why am I getting hives every time I shower?

Well, of course at first I thought it was the soap. But I've tried a variety of soaps, all to the same effect. And the thing is, the red blotchyness is starting before any soap has even touched my body. So.

Water too hot? Doubtful. I am very, very sensitive to water. I can't take very hot showers; Jonathan thinks I'm crazy for how lukewarm I keep the water. So that one doesn't make much sense either.

My therapist keeps trying to figure out if there was some specific trauma related to showering, but we can't figure out anything. Just a general sense of vulnerability and weakness. But that's always been the case. So why would this start now, when I'm safer than I've ever been? This is the first apartment I've ever lived in where I didn't spend my entire shower "hearing" people breaking into the place.

So I don't know what's going on, but it's frustrating as hell. Tonight it's not just my arms and back as it has been for the past couple of weeks; I also have one in my ear and two on my face. Glorious. Yet another reason not to shower in the morning, I suppose...

Saturday, October 17, 2009

not stretching + stupid weather + crazywork = ouch.

So, my pain levels are starting to suck again. But I can't say that I'm surprised. Why? Well I'll tell you.

1) All of my good intentions about stretching every day sort of became just that - good intentions. Yeah, it's a good idea. A great idea. And I think it does help me. But after a long crappy work day it's just not what I want to do. I get home and I've just spent 10 or 11 or 12 hours doing things I don't want to do. So once I'm finally free, I want to do what I want to do. I want to blog, I want to cook and bake, I want to hang out with Jonathan, I want to dick around on Facebook and the PPK message boards and Etsy, whatever. I don't want to spend yet more of my day doing yet another thing that feels like a chore. I'm fully aware that this is an immature, self-defeatist attitude. In my defense, though it's somewhat wrapped up in...

2) Work being insane again/still. There's just no end in sight. It's bad enough that at this point every member of my little team has gone to the bosses either to have an earnest discussion about the totally unmanageable workload, or just flat out flipping out and on the verge of tears. They're asking us to do way, way, way too much work. We're all working overtime, and we still can't get it all done, and important things are just falling right through our fingers and it feels like shit. It's such a stressful situation to be in. The bottom line is that we need more employees and can't have them. So my minimum work day tends to be 9 to 10 hours long, and I'm pretty much always working a 6 day week. I think my next break from that is probably Thanksgiving. (Yes, that's right, the holiday that is a month and a half from now.)

So yeah. After yet another day in that workplace, it's pretty hard to convince myself that what I should be doing when I get home is anything other than what I absolutely most want to be doing to make myself happy. The irony being that this kind of work schedule and stress it pure torture on my body, making it all the more important that I do things like, uh, stretch.

3) It's October, right? Just mid October, not even late October. And yet. It is effing freezing outside! Seriously, every day this week it's been crap like, 45 feels like 40, 42 feels like 36, or yesterday was my favorite: 41 feels like 30! Oh, yeah, and of course it's been raining like every day. Now, on any given day of the year you can ask me "what's your least favorite weather?" and I'll tell you without hesitation: 40's and raining. Yeah. So we're in the middle of October, and instead of the awesome fall weather that I love, we've jumped straight to the December weather that I detest. And it's not just that it puts me in a mental funk either. A large part of my dislike is that my body HATES it. I wake up with that very special kind of headache, and I know without even going to the window what kind of day it is out there.

So that's my story. Work = ouch, weather = ouch, I am doing nothing to alleviate it because I'm a stubborn jerk, so body = ouch. Of course there's a good chance that no matter what I do my body is just going to be unhappy right now. But I should probably make more of an effort to take care of it regardless of that, right? Right.

Oh the disparities between what we know and what we do.

Alright. Tomorrow is National Chocolate Cupcake Day, but as I'm of course working tomorrow, I've got some baking to do. ;)

Saturday, October 10, 2009

I'm remembering everything! Except, you know, for this one little thing.

I recently noticed something really great: I'm remembering things! With absolutely no intention on my part, my near-obsessive need to write down every appointment and obligation in my day planner, my computer calendar, and my phone just sort of melted away. Normally when I haven't thoroughly documented where I'm supposed to be and when, I'm just, uh, not there. I remember an hour (or a day) or two later with a cry of "damnit!" and a wave of that old familiar frustration.

But lately... well, I make an obligation, and then it's just fixed in the day planner of my mind. It's the weirdest thing. I like it. I think I should still write things down, though, just in case. And after all, I do like to have a record of what I've been doing. You know, for posterity.

Now, could this all be because I finally have a more appropriate level of serotonin in my brain? I think it might.

There's just one teeny tiny problem.

I keep forgetting to take my pill! When my doc put me on the Savella and told me it had to be morning and evening, I asked if I really had to take it twice a day. Why? Because I know myself. I am B A D bad at taking morning pills. It took me years to get into the routine of taking the evening pills. Morning pills, forget about it. My mornings are too hectic. Too many variables.

Well, I did alright for the first couple of weeks, but sure enough, as soon as it was no longer a novelty, I began to forget to do it. I've forgotten at least three times in the past week or so! Now folks, this is just not cool. My body isn't particularly fond of this drug. So when I skip a pill, it's like having to go through the titration all over again. It makes me all icky feeling and blegh. The next morning, when I do remember to take one, I feel like I'm coming down with something - what with the nausea and the chills and all. Half my office is sick, and I think, "oh no, I've finally caught it!" And then I remember it's just something I've done to myself.

And so. The memory thing? +1. The forgetting the pills thing? Well, the hilarious irony doesn't really make up for screwing with my body chemistry badly enough to make me ill, now does it. So basically I've just got to stop being such a dork about it and take that damn morning pill.

Ho hum. Self-discipline has never been my strong suit.